I just want to be normal, like eat a normal healthy diet.

I do, I'm sick of obsessing about food.  I don't want to look at my macros, or be concerned with how much I weigh, or if I can or can't ever eat that.

I just want to eat a normal, healthy diet.  To me healthy means a lot of yummy veggies, salads, beans, legumes, some meats, minimal dairy.  Limited processed food.  But some I'm keeping around.  Like almond and peanut butter, coconut/almond milk. 

But this may change tomorrow as my mind changes as often as the second hand on a clock in a day.

Ugh, I feel so crazy.  So easily pulled and swayed to the next latest and greatest thing.  Low Carb, Keto, BLE, etc.

I have learned a lot about myself.  Like I really am a sugar addict.  I think I have times of the month where I really want them more.  Should I track that?  Gosh no, stop tracking everything!  But I do think it's right after my fertile period ends, about 1-12 days before my actual period.  I wonder if because the egg was not fertilized I go into a bit of hormonal depression and my body and brain crave something.  Maybe I need more fat.

I still want to plan my meals, that gives me much peace.  I still want to measure my food, that gives me much peace.  But I don't want to know calories or macros.  I want to eat ice cream or yogurt or have a treat once in a while, or a few days in a row, without feeling ridiculously guilty, I don't want to feel shame about how or what I eat.

I don't want to hate or make other people feel bad either, or shame them.

I'm okay if it's not in the house.  I can't have it in the house.

Dark Chocolate Covered Honeycomb and Sugar Coated Ginger Candy

Boy am I sick to stomach today.  Feel like crap.  My friend came and stayed with us a few days and brought a bunch of food with her and left it behind as she was traveling to Japan to live for 4 years.  Not her fault but I ate it and it was good and now I'm sick.  Not terribly sick, just an upset tummy,  and of course up 1.1 lb.

I need to stop.  Just stick with the BLE eating plan and do my normal work outs.  I think about food more now than I ever have.  I don't have peace.  I was down to 136.5 and now I'm at 139.1.  I'm hungry alot because I'm trying to eat low carb but that's so silly.  I love fruit, it helps me poop.  I don't like the way the vitamins make me constipated.

Can I just eat 3 normal meals a day? 

Breakfast - 1 Serving Grain, 1 Serving Fruit, 1 Serving Protein
Lunch - 10 oz Salad or Veggies, 4 oz Protein, 2 Oz fat, 6 oz of fruit
Dinner - 10 oz Salad or Veggies, 4 oz Protein, 2 Oz fat

It's very simple.  Submit, Surrender, Love yourself.  Do it from a place of Love not of Fear.

9/12/18 Update

I've been back on the low carb train for about 4 days and already have dropped 4.2 pounds.  Today I'm 138.4 and I'm skinny!!!  But I laugh at what I think is skinny.  When I went to the hospital to give birth to my first born, I weighed 138 lbs.  When I got pregnant with her I was about 122 and thought I was fat then - geez - perspective is so weird.

My calories I'm keeping under 1000, my carbs under 20 net.  It's a bit hard, and I'm a bit hungry, but drinking green tea during the day helps.  I hope to just get this last 13 lbs off of my quickly so I can be out of the weight loss mode and settle into a regular diet.  Find other things to occupy my life and mind instead of the scale.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be free of it but I know I never want to be fat again.  I never want to feel that way again.  Chronic heartburn, couldn't tie my shoes, hated how I looked.  I was tired all of the time, extremely emotional, and pre-diabetic.  No thanks.

I must remember how that felt.  I can't forget it.

I'm hoping to maintain 120-125 lbs, whatever gives me a flatter tummy.  Working out 4-5 days a week.  I want to keep up with the spin as much as I hate it it's great cardio for me and not as boring as the treadmill.  I'd like to do yoga 3 times a week.  Keep up walking, go hiking once in a while.

Ultimately I want to help others lose the weight, keep it off and change their lives.

Lord help me keep my eyes on you and live a life pleasing to you.

Thank you,

So close to a Normal BMI..

Yesterday I weighed 141.5.  According to the world health organization BMI chart I'm .4 of a pound away from a Normal BMI.  I'm just barely still in the overweight category.

I am feeling pretty thin, except my stomach bugs me.  I know it will take time.  But I need to lean into my bright lines.  Lean in.  Like I would the word of God. 

Benefits of BLE.

Normal Blood Sugar
Eliminated heart burn
Less emotional outbursts
More energy
Most of my clothes are a size 6!  A freaking 6!!!!  And small shirts.  I got some of Kelsey's clothes yesterday.  Are you kidding me?

But i still am so self absorbed, even more so I think.  All I think about is my next meal, how and when to eat and I'm completely obsessed with exercise and losing weight. 

Will I ever be Happy, Thin and Free?