Fat again, still not satisfied, Mom issues, the whole shebang.

Wow, I don't log on here much.  I go in spurts.  I really just tend to think about what to write, just don't sit down to do it.

A few weeks ago I weighed 157 - a full 20 lbs more than I did last October.  My clothes don't fit me, I never exercise and I just pigged out at the kebab shop.  Ugh.  I can't seem to get it right for very long, but I'm going to keep trying.  I will one day be happy with my body whether I'm a size 8 or 4. 

My mom - what do I say about her?  Someone asked me if I could have a relationship with her the way she is right now.  I had never asked myself that question.  But I knew right away the answer was no.  I can't accept her.  That same someone also gave me a quote she heard on Oprah.  True forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will change.  Instantly tears streamed down my face.  That is what I've been longing for my whole life.  And I didn't even know it.  Now I know it.  Now I can start a journey of healing and moving forward. 

I've committed to 40 days of prayer, intensive self discovery, healing and ultimately true forgiveness.  I'm not looking to reconcile at this point, but maybe that can be a reality in the future.

The rings.  My grandma's wedding rings.  Last August I asked my mom for her rings while she was on her deathbed.  My mom said I could have them.  Geez, writing this makes me sound like a broken record, I've repeated this story at least 10 times.  Anyways, it was a pleasant exchange.  My aunt was getting her original set, my my mom was keeping the 50th anniversary ring and no one else had asked for the set on her hand.  As a side note: my grandmother was 94 and she was assigning her belongs to her loved ones, it wasn't about greed, from my heart anyways. 

My grandma passed a few days later, I was home in California and she was in Arizona.  We waited several months for the papers and the funeral arrangements to happen.  They were finally scheduled for October.  My mother returned to California with grandmas ashes, some family members and the rings.  She was wearing them.  My mother doesn't normally wear jewelry.  I was helping her go through the hall closet when I noticed.  She let me try them on but she wanted to wear them until she left to go back to AZ.  I felt something in my spirit but did not recognize the feeling.

She left in November but didn't give me the rings.  I knew then that I wasn't going to get them.  A few months passed, the house didn't sell, my mom didn't come to visit.  She was supposed to come for grandpas's birthday but said she didn't have the money to drive over.  But June was coming. 

I was going to drive over there and and pick up Kayden on June 29th.  But Kelsey offered to go on my behalf.  Great, that was a relief for me.  I don't enjoy road trips and we were going to have to drive over and turn around and come back on the same day.   So I called my mom and asked her to give Kelsey the rings.  She said no.  I asked why.  She said because she wasn't ready to give them up yet, they make her feel closer to her mother.  I was like "okay".  Good bye.

I was so fucking angry.  She is such a damn liar.  She didn't want to give them to me.  She gets a little kick out of hurting me, the selfish bitch.  These were the things I thought and said to my husband as were were on our way home that evening.  I'm angry just thinking about it.  But then I asked myself it that was true.  Was it really true?  Maybe.  But what I do know about my mother is that she is a hoarder.  She hoards books, nativity scenes, clothes, shoes, people if they let her, and now the contents of my grandmothers home, and her rings.  She is so empty inside, she needs things to fulfill her.  She has no one to love her, so she fills the void by spending, eating, reading.  She buys the grandkids all these little things, like an exchange of their love. She eats even though she's sick.  She reads to escape the reality of her existence.  And I hate her for it.  But I do understand her.

I want her to be strong, to grow, to experience life, to change her mind.  I don't want her how she is.  I cannot accept her as she is.  So I must let her go, and let go of my past with her.

I must also let go of the wish of a different mother.  I see and hear other women and wish she were mine.  But this makes the heartache worse I think.  It's something I cannot have. 

I am motherless.  I have a mother, but no one to mother me.

I have a picture of myself when I was 4.  I was a sweet looking little girl.  Brown eyes, blondish brown hair, petite, fair skinned.  I looked at her today, cried for her. 

I think my mom enjoyed making babies, taking care of babies, dressing them and giving them toys to play with.  But once you required too much of her intellect, her hearts, she no longer loved you.  You became a burden, an irritation, a complaint.  I'm not the only one who was a victim to her abandonment.  It feels good to be validated by the others, but I can't speak for them.  They must tell their own stories.

I didn't finish the story of the rings.  I'll save that for another day.

I'm skinny, but not satified.

I've been on this roller coaster ride for months.  Today I'm at 137.1 - and I'm eating super low carb and low calorie - drinking a bunch of coffee.  I'm super wired today, I need to chill the heck out.

I want to be 120# with a flat stomach.  Actually I just want a flat stomach so if that means 120# or 110# or whatever, I'm going to continue to work until I get it. 

I want the work contest money of $130+ and the $250 from Cassie even though she under employed right now.  I'm still taking her cash.

Also, I want a flat stomach.  Did I say that already?  Yes, I hate wearing a slim dress and having a baby bump that's not really a baby.  Also, some jeans give me a muffin top, but I don't want a muffin top.

I really need to get thru these holidays w/o giving into sugar.  How amazing would that be to not eat any of the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years crap?  Like for real.

I also want Beach Body on demand.  I want to do the 80 day obsession.

Goals people, Goals!

I just want to be normal, like eat a normal healthy diet.

I do, I'm sick of obsessing about food.  I don't want to look at my macros, or be concerned with how much I weigh, or if I can or can't ever eat that.

I just want to eat a normal, healthy diet.  To me healthy means a lot of yummy veggies, salads, beans, legumes, some meats, minimal dairy.  Limited processed food.  But some I'm keeping around.  Like almond and peanut butter, coconut/almond milk. 

But this may change tomorrow as my mind changes as often as the second hand on a clock in a day.

Ugh, I feel so crazy.  So easily pulled and swayed to the next latest and greatest thing.  Low Carb, Keto, BLE, etc.

I have learned a lot about myself.  Like I really am a sugar addict.  I think I have times of the month where I really want them more.  Should I track that?  Gosh no, stop tracking everything!  But I do think it's right after my fertile period ends, about 1-12 days before my actual period.  I wonder if because the egg was not fertilized I go into a bit of hormonal depression and my body and brain crave something.  Maybe I need more fat.

I still want to plan my meals, that gives me much peace.  I still want to measure my food, that gives me much peace.  But I don't want to know calories or macros.  I want to eat ice cream or yogurt or have a treat once in a while, or a few days in a row, without feeling ridiculously guilty, I don't want to feel shame about how or what I eat.

I don't want to hate or make other people feel bad either, or shame them.

I'm okay if it's not in the house.  I can't have it in the house.

Dark Chocolate Covered Honeycomb and Sugar Coated Ginger Candy

Boy am I sick to stomach today.  Feel like crap.  My friend came and stayed with us a few days and brought a bunch of food with her and left it behind as she was traveling to Japan to live for 4 years.  Not her fault but I ate it and it was good and now I'm sick.  Not terribly sick, just an upset tummy,  and of course up 1.1 lb.

I need to stop.  Just stick with the BLE eating plan and do my normal work outs.  I think about food more now than I ever have.  I don't have peace.  I was down to 136.5 and now I'm at 139.1.  I'm hungry alot because I'm trying to eat low carb but that's so silly.  I love fruit, it helps me poop.  I don't like the way the vitamins make me constipated.

Can I just eat 3 normal meals a day? 

Breakfast - 1 Serving Grain, 1 Serving Fruit, 1 Serving Protein
Lunch - 10 oz Salad or Veggies, 4 oz Protein, 2 Oz fat, 6 oz of fruit
Dinner - 10 oz Salad or Veggies, 4 oz Protein, 2 Oz fat

It's very simple.  Submit, Surrender, Love yourself.  Do it from a place of Love not of Fear.

9/12/18 Update

I've been back on the low carb train for about 4 days and already have dropped 4.2 pounds.  Today I'm 138.4 and I'm skinny!!!  But I laugh at what I think is skinny.  When I went to the hospital to give birth to my first born, I weighed 138 lbs.  When I got pregnant with her I was about 122 and thought I was fat then - geez - perspective is so weird.

My calories I'm keeping under 1000, my carbs under 20 net.  It's a bit hard, and I'm a bit hungry, but drinking green tea during the day helps.  I hope to just get this last 13 lbs off of my quickly so I can be out of the weight loss mode and settle into a regular diet.  Find other things to occupy my life and mind instead of the scale.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be free of it but I know I never want to be fat again.  I never want to feel that way again.  Chronic heartburn, couldn't tie my shoes, hated how I looked.  I was tired all of the time, extremely emotional, and pre-diabetic.  No thanks.

I must remember how that felt.  I can't forget it.

I'm hoping to maintain 120-125 lbs, whatever gives me a flatter tummy.  Working out 4-5 days a week.  I want to keep up with the spin as much as I hate it it's great cardio for me and not as boring as the treadmill.  I'd like to do yoga 3 times a week.  Keep up walking, go hiking once in a while.

Ultimately I want to help others lose the weight, keep it off and change their lives.

Lord help me keep my eyes on you and live a life pleasing to you.

Thank you,

So close to a Normal BMI..

Yesterday I weighed 141.5.  According to the world health organization BMI chart I'm .4 of a pound away from a Normal BMI.  I'm just barely still in the overweight category.

I am feeling pretty thin, except my stomach bugs me.  I know it will take time.  But I need to lean into my bright lines.  Lean in.  Like I would the word of God. 

Benefits of BLE.

Normal Blood Sugar
Eliminated heart burn
Less emotional outbursts
More energy
Most of my clothes are a size 6!  A freaking 6!!!!  And small shirts.  I got some of Kelsey's clothes yesterday.  Are you kidding me?

But i still am so self absorbed, even more so I think.  All I think about is my next meal, how and when to eat and I'm completely obsessed with exercise and losing weight. 

Will I ever be Happy, Thin and Free? 

What I consider a plateau and other things...

I've been at 142.6 for 2 solid weeks.  Back to a normal BLE diet, no tricks for a few days.  Working out several times a week.  I know a Whoosh is coming soon!

I'm doing a Whole 30 with Kelsey and Ted in September.  She needs to clear up her acne and I'm sure it's the sugar.  Hopefully she is successful in clearing up her skin and figuring out what foods trigger breakouts.  It might even be grains, flour, soy, whatever it is.  We had a pretty lengthy discussion about what we can eat.  It's much more work for me but it will be worth it.

Binge - on August 20th my grandma died and I had Bunco that evening.  Bunco was a good distraction from being sad about grandma.  I'll miss her a lot.  But at Bunco I snacked on the trail mix and ate a Mango Cream POP.  It did not affect my weight in a negative way.  But then a week later on August 27th I had a super duper bad binge.  It was ice cream, coconut pops (plural), pita chips, peanut butter, stone ground flaxseed crackers (like that makes it better), a few thin stackers rice cake things, a few dates and some dried mango with chile on it.  I didn't get sick or gain weight but I did feel really full later on.  I ate the few last bites of Kelsey's salad too.

I was lonely.  Sad about grandma, but mostly lonely.  I should have just indulged at the church potluck.

I know I change my mind everyday about how to eat.  I really want meat and dairy but it constipates me.  I barely poop.  I can imagine it's just sitting in my colon rotting.  Gross.  But I love grilled chicken thighs and get sick of legumes.

I'm definitely sticking with Whole 30 in September but we will see beyond that what happens.

God help me!!!  I have no staunch convictions!!